A Diplomatic Epistle

Dear Homeowner,

In response to your grievance, initially filed 11 years ago and periodically amended, indicating that your neighbor broke into your home, killed several of your family members, moved into four of your rooms, and began raising your children, we have held substantive discussions with your neighbor and respectfully request that you officially cede the deed to said rooms, surrender the larger baseball bats with which you have been defending the remainder of your house, commit to the principle that, when under future attack, fewer of your family members will attempt to defend it, and withdraw your application to join the Neighborhood Watch. Please respond with your agreement by Thursday.

Respectfully,

The Association

VP:dt